Menstrual Magic
by dobby21
Summary: A little parody; the things that bugged me in OotP, over accentuated. Cho is extra menstrual, Harry is extra pissy, and everyone is horny. Complete R&R please!
1. Default Chapter

Menstrual Magic 

Harry flopped on his four-poster bed. Draco had just called him a stupid, muggle-lover.

Harry just felt like dying. Everything bad happened to him. Everybody thought of him as a celebrity, girls showered him with gifts, other boys envied him. He hated it. And on top of it, he had no more Chocolate Frogs to indulge in. He also missed having no T.V.; he would watch it when the Dursley's were gone. His favorite, when he was sad, was Golden Girls that played on Lifetime. Ron walked in the dormitory.

He shrugged, "You know you shouldn't take it this seriously. Draco is a git, and so what if you're a quote-un-quote 'muggle-lover?' What's the big deal? Malfoy makes fun of us all the time."

Harry yelled, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT ANYHTING WHEN I WAS AT THE DURSLEY'S THIS SUMMER! YOU JUST MASTERBATED TO HERMIONE'S PICTURE AT SIRIUS' HOUSE!"

"What are you talking about! That has nothing to do with what I said," he moved closer to Harry and whispered, "And how did you know about the pic–––"

"Never mind, you… you just don't understand," Harry pouted.

He hugged his pillow. Tears started to well up in his eyes. Ron didn't understand his pain. Ron was just a big, inconsiderate, bastard person. Hermione was his only friend.

When Ron finally left, Harry ran out to find Hermione. She was sitting in front of the fireplace reading a large book. Harry ran over to her and sat down.

Harry smiled, "Hey gal-pal."

Hermione gave him a puzzled look, "What the hell did you just say?"

Harry screamed, "I JUST SAID 'HI'! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY ONLY FIREND. I HAVE NOBODY IN THIS WORLD. DUMBLEDORE DOESN'T TALK TO ME, RON IS A BIG JERK, AND YOU ARE A KNOWITALL BITCH!"

Hermione looked taken aback. Her eyes were welling up with tears. She choked, "Harry what's wrong. I really do want to know and really do care. How could you say such awful things?"

She started to cry. Harry felt really bad. He patted her on the shoulder. He then gave her a big hug.

"I'm sorry. I've just been through a hard time; with Voldemort coming back and all. I'll apologize to Ron also. Now let's go to class."

They stepped out of the swinging open portrait door. Ron was waiting outside. Harry nodded and Ron nodded back. They both smiled. It was like it had never happened. The trio walked down to Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. This was the second class they had and Harry hated it. Umbridge was a horrible old whore who Harry believed never got any. She was the ugliest thing to grace the earth too.

They walked in the room and the ass-face, dry vagina, old toad sat at her desk. Harry sat next to Hermione and Ron sat behind them. Neville sat beside Ron.

Umbridge croaked, "Do what I have written on the blackboard."

It said to read page 473 on vampire repelling spells. They were supposed to understand the theory and never practice the spell. That is what made no sense to anyone except the old toad. Harry began to read and was bored to death. He then became aggravated with having to read and not practice the spell. Hermione could see him getting hot under the collar.

She whispered, "Now, Harry, you already have detention for most of this year. You don't want anymore than what you have? Just cool it."

Harry whispered back, "You always tell me what to do and when I follow your advice, it's wrong."

"What are you talking about? I've always been right. You always have to be the pompous hero."

Harry screamed, "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!"

The class rolled there eyes and sighed all at once, "Here we go again"

Harry screamed once more, "FUCK ALL OF YOU… AND YOUR MOTHERS!"

Umbridge stood up and said briskly, "Mr. Potter please sit down and read your book or I'll have to extend your detention."

Harry walked up and spat in her face. He then yelled, "NO! I'M GOING TO YELL IN ALL CAPITALS ALL I WANT! AND VOLDEMORT IS BACK!"

As Harry walked back over to his seat, Umbridge said in a fake girlish tone, "Mr. Potter please sit down and shut up. There will be no more shouting of lies."

"YOU BIT–––"

Ron pulled Harry down into this chair. Ron whispered in Harry's ear, "Do always have to be a jackass? She's never going to believe you. So just give it up. We can practice the spells later."

Harry said menacingly, "I hate you…but practicing spells sounds fun."

Ron tossed up his arms.

Class was finally over and Harry had an extra two weeks of detention. As they walked Harry spotted Cho Chang. She was standing in the corner by herself, laughing. Harry's heart skipped a few beats.

He said to the other two, "I'll catch you guys later."

Harry ran over to Cho and nervously said, "Hi. I see that you're laughing for some odd reason. Why's that?"

Cho began to cry, "I don't know, I was laughing at I joke Cedric told me and I realized he's dead!" she sniffed and said cheerily, "But I'm glad you're here."

She grabbed Harry and kissed him. Harry felt her tongue slip into his mouth. He did the same to her. They were soon on the floor dry-humping.

Ron then came up and said, "I see you're a Tornados fan. Do you just like them since they've been winning?"

Cho got off Harry and was about it kiss Ron but said, "You're not worth it. Oh, to answer your question, I've been a fan my whole life," he then became angry and yelled at Harry, "Why did your friend interrupt us! I thought you loved me! I need a Chocolate Frog!"

She ran off. Harry was enraged. He couldn't believe Ron. He best friend walked up and scares away Cho? Harry backhanded Ron. The redheaded teenager fell to the floor.

Harry screamed, "What the hell was that! YOU STUPID FUCK! Couldn't you see she was into me!"

Ron rubbed his cheek, "Sorry I just didn't like how she was a Qudditch poser!"

Hermione cut in, "Harry, Ron didn't mean to make Cho run off. She decided to be all menstrual, like you are right now."

Harry spat, "You hate me now I'm sure."

Hermione looked offended, "How could you say that? Of course we love you."

Harry yelled, "NO YOU DON'T! YOU JUST SAT AT SIRIUS' HOUSE AND FUCKED RON! THEN YOU TELL ME I'M MENTRUAL! I SAW CEDRIC DIE!"

Hermione patted Harry's shoulder, "We know, and believe you. You just don't believe that we do," she then whispered, "How did you know about–––"

"YOU LIE LIKE A RUG! I SAW CEDRIC DIE. I SAW VOLDEMORT COME BACK. THE DAILY PROPHET WRITES LIES ABOUT ME! EVERYBODY TREATS ME LIKE A CELEBRITY! I'M FAMOUS AND I HATE IT! AND I'M OUT OF TAMPAX!"

Ron joined in asking, "What? Tampax?"

Harry said, "I just… used it for dramatic effect."

Dumbledore then walked by. He gave them a nice smile and then pulled Hermione and Ron aside. They went into the corner and whispered vigorously. Hermione tuned around to look at Harry and they all giggled.

Dumbledore walked over, "Oh I wanted to say hello. Also, I made Ron and Hermione prefects because I," he looked back at Ron and Hermione and tried not to laugh, "thought you had too much to handle," he snickered.

Harry screamed, "I'M JUST GOING TO GO INTO THE DORMITORY AND PIG OUT ON CHOCOLATES AND DIET DR. PEPPER!"

After Harry ran off, Ron asked, "Diet Dr. Pepper?"

Hermione sighed, "It's a muggle soda that people drink because it has no sugar."

Ron sighed, "Damn he needs to get laid."


	2. Crazy DA

Harry was walking on the clouds. He was the leader of the D.A. Even Umbridge didn't know about the secret Dumbledore's Army meetings. He just wanted to skip and he did so. Harry skipped all the way from the library (he was studying for O.W.L.S) to the Gryffindor Common Room. Only Fred was in the Common Room when Harry entered.

Harry asked, "Where's Ron?"

Fred choked, "He's up in the boy's dormitory…er…studying. Yeah that's it…studying."

Harry snickered, "That wizard."

Harry jumped up the stairs. He heard some slight moans. He tried to open the door but it was locked. He whispered, "Alohamora"

The lock clicked and Harry opened the door. Ron was on the bed and looked surprised. He hurriedly held the covers up to his neck. Hermione's picture was propped up in a picture frame on Ron's night stand. Her moving picture seemed to be taking off her clothes. Harry knew what was going on.

Harry said in a singsong voice, "Somebody's a Yankee!"

Ron stammered, "Wh… What are you talking about?"

Harry giggled, "Somebody's been playing with their _special_ wand."

Ron grunted, "Fuck you."

Harry screamed, "THAT IS SO OFFENSIVE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! THAT'S WHAT VOLDEMORT SAID TO ME WHEN HE KILLED CEDRIC!"

Ron sighed, "What! No he didn't."

Harry said unconvincingly, "Well, maybe I errr, with held some information."

"Sure"

Harry pouted, "Fine," and ran out of the room.

Hermione was now the only person in the Common Room. She looked exhausted, but she was knitting those god forsaken house-elf clothes. Harry slapped as hard as her could.

She held her cheek and said, "What the fuck was that for?"

"It's for all this goddamn elf clothes bull-crap," he grabbed her face, "Get it through your head they don't want them! God put that energy to GOOD use. Invent the cure of being a werewolf or something! Not knit fucking elf clothes that they don't even want!"

Ron finally came out of the dormitory with his hair wild. Hermione giggled and Ron smiled back. Harry was confused.

He said hurriedly, "Let's go down to D.A. meeting."

Hermione said waving her hand and still staring at Ron, "Sure, whatever."

Harry yanked her up out of the chair and they left the Common Room. The trio finally reached the Room of Requirement. Ginny was waiting there; grinding up against Michael Corner.

Ron raised his fist but Hermione grabbed it. Ginny suddenly realized her brother and stopped abruptly. Michael made a 'pfft' sound.

Harry thought of a big room with pillows and magic spell books. He envisioned everything he wanted in that room. A door suddenly popped up on the wall. The five walked in the brightly lit room. There were Remebrals and all sorts of devises. There was even a Foe Glass. They all walked around examining everything in amazement. Every time there was something new.

Michael picked up a piece of paper from under a book. He snickered, "Oh, looky here, a nice photo of Cho Chang…nude."

Harry ran over and whispered, "That's for me… special…er… repelling spell."

Soon everyone apart of the D.A. arrived. Cho ran over to Harry and started crying. Everyone, except Harry, rolled their eyes.

"I miss Cedric so much!" she wiped her tears, "but you make me happy."

She shoved her tongue down his throat and they fell to the floor. He started to take off her robes.

Suddenly Ron coughed, "Whore!"

Cho stopped and screamed, "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY–––"

Ron interrupted, "I get plenty," he shot a look at Hermione.

Harry stood up and said, "Well let's get started––"

Suddenly Dobby ran in breathless. He collapsed on the floor and was saying something. Harry ran over to him and slapped the house elf across the face.

Harry screamed, "What is it!"

Dobby wheezed, "She's coming."

"Who?"

"The…the old toad woman; the one with the ass-face," Dobby squeaked.

Everyone screamed, "UMBRIDGE!"

They ran around the room chaotically. Ron started to strangle Dobby. Dobby started to turn blue. Ron finally let go and then Cho started to hump Dobby, screaming, "I don't want to die a virgin!"

Harry screamed, "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"

Everyone stopped. Harry said, "Thank you. SHIT! Now I'll get you out with the Marauder's Map. So cool it."

Harry stood at the door and pushed two or three kid at a time out. He kept checking if the coast was clear. When everyone was gone except him, Ron and Hermione, Harry, like an idiot, didn't check the map and walked out. Malfoy was standing there with Pansy Parkinson behind him. Pansy started to grind up against Malfoy and like his ear.

He turned around and said, "Either you stop that or…go to the right and faster," she followed his second suggestion.

"Ha! I've caught you Potter and there's…yeah that's..." he smacked Pansy and said, "and there's nothing you can do about it. Professor I got him!"

The hideous creature walked up. Hermione grimaced and shuddered.

Umbridge croaked, "What was that for Miss Granger?"

Hermione said, "I threw up in my mouth a little."

Umbridge choked, "Well congradu-fucking-lations! I can't help the way I look. Just because you're judgmental doesn't mean we all have to be sex symbols," she then yelled, "Now, let's go see the headmaster!"

Hermione was grabbed by Pansy, Ron by Crabbe and Harry by Goyle. Malfoy just sucked up to Umbridge. He literally did suck up to her; he was latched onto her teat. Malfoy just hung there while Umbridge trudged along. They finally reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

Umbridge cried, "Sausage Wallet!"

Ron laughed, "That's another name for vag–––"

Suddenly, a staircase appeared and they walked up into Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore was staring into the Pensieve. He then stuck his face in it and stared to lick it. Dumbledore then groaned and whispered inaudible words. Umbridge coughed loudly.

Dumbledore shot up, "Oh, er, I was reengaging in my thoughts. Yeah that's it."

Hermione whispered in Harry's ear, "Somebody's in desperate need of some hanky-panky."

Dumbledore sat at his desk and sighed, "What is it now, Dolores? You caught Hermione and Ron? Please, that's old news."

Ron's face turned bright red as well as Hermione's. Umbridge exhaled, "No, Albus I caught these three practicing in an illegal club."

"Well, you could hardly call it illegal, but it was against the rules," Dumbledore said.

Ron coughed. Dumbledore quickly said, "But I'm sure you're over reacting."

Umbridge yelled, "Where the hell is Fudge! He's such a flake."

Everyone else moaned, "Tell me about it."

Dumbledore added, "And a dumbass, don't forget dumbass."

Umbridge sat down, "You don't know the half of it. I work for him! He thinks his asshole is his dead twin's underdeveloped mouth. "

Fudge burst though the door that second. His hat was astray and he had chocolate around the edges of his mouth. He giggled, "Oh, I see I'm late. I had very important, er, Ministry work. Oh yeah that one girl that told you about all this, stuff, is waiting outside too."

"Why?" Umbridge asked as if she was to a mentally handicapped child.

He put a finger to his lips, "Because."

"Damn it, I don't feel like arguing with you Cornelius! Marietta come in!" Umbridge shouted.

The girl walked in shielding her face. Hermione looked excited. So excited, Harry said, "Calm down or you'll piss yourself."

Hermione smiled, "I already did!" she then spat, "Show your fucking face you stupid bitch!"

Marietta cried, "Shut your butt-ugly face. I look prettier than you do right now!"

"Prettier than my ass maybe and that's a big maybe."

Marietta raised her head to show on her forehead was written DRY and across her cheeks, VAGINA.

Harry whispered to Hermione, "Whoa, that went over my head I was expecting, 'sneak' but you're the quote-un-quote 'brightest witch of your age.'"

She giggled, "Well, this was more creative. You should have seen what I did for the boys…RODENT HUNG."

Umbridge slapped Hermione across the face, "Just because other people have genital problems doesn't mean you have to remind them!"

"I don't have a dry vagina!" Marietta cried.

Umbridge said quickly, "I wasn't talking about you," she went on, "Well anyway I found a piece of paper that said Dumbledore's Army on it."

Harry screamed, "I SAW CEDRIC DIE! I WITNESSED VOLDEMORT COMING BACK! AND…AND… DUMBLEDORE STARTED THE D.A.! I MEAN IT'S CALLED DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY! YEAH… IT WAS ALL DUMBLEDORE!"

Dumbledore said though his teeth, while smacking Harry in the back of the head, "You just had to bring me in this…as usual," he looked up and said nicely, "Well, the shit really hit the fan this time. He, he, um well, I'm off!"

There was a blast of smoke and Dumbledore was gone. Fudge contently sat there picking his nose and Umbridge cried in a fetal position.

Hermione sighed, "He always pulls this crap. Whenever we need hi he has to poof off to some random place."

They all left and Harry spotted Cho. She was crying. He ran up to her.

He asked, "What's wrong?"

"What you're friend, and possible lover, Hermione, did a really mean thing to Marietta."

"Well your bitch of a friend was about to get you expelled," Harry spat.

"No! She didn't do it! She just likes to compulsively stretch the truth."

Harry screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I WANT TO DIE! I HATE YOU BUT I WANT TO…YOU KNOW… WITH YOU, AND VOLDEMORTS BACK! I JUST WANT TO GO UP TO MY DORMITORY AND BITE MY PILLOW!"

He then grabbed Cho by the throat. She choked, "Oh, you like it rough."

Harry let go and yelled, "I don't get you! Are literally on your period every fucking day! You hate me, love me, miss Cedric, are sad, happy, and every emotion at the same time. Also, horny through out each and every other feeling I just listed!"

Cho was about to speak when Fudge came skipping down the hall eating a candy bar. He giggled and then saw them. Fudge looked like a deer in the headlights. Harry and Cho stared back. There was an awkward silence. This is when there was a loud squeak. Soon after, there was a terrible smell.

Harry gagged, "My God! It smells like a rotting corpse that's been rolled around in a pile of hot dog crap."

Fudge sniggered, "I tooted."

"Now I understand why he doesn't believe my whole shit-fit about Voldemort," Harry declared.

Cho giggled, "He has a kind of retarded puppy cuteness to him."

At that time Hermione and Ron walked up. Hermione made a grimace.

She said, "Bitch, I don't know what your deal is, but there will be snow on the tops of the mountains in hell before Fudge has a hint of cuteness to him."

Cho was angry. She stuck her face in Hermione's and said, "Oh, don't even talk about taste in men with me bitch. Just because you're the President of the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee doesn't mean the rest of us are whores."

At that point Hermione couldn't take it; she spat in Cho's face. Cho reacted with ripping off Hermione's sleeve. Hermione then ripped off Cho's pant leg.

Ron and Harry stood staring at the fight. They wanted to stop it, and then they didn't. They saw Cho rip Hermione's blouse. Ron and Harry leaned close to each other. They both bit their fists. Hermione and Cho were on the floor now and Cho was on top of Hermione.

Harry whispered, "She does like to be on top."

Suddenly, the two girls stopped and the boys groaned. Cho and Hermione stood up and brushed themselves off. Hermione was left with ripped pants and her bra. Cho only had on her torn shirt and revealing panties.

Hermione shook her head, "Look at those two. They always have to make it about sex."

Cho agreed, "I guess it was a little hot though. I'm sorry about the small boob statement; you've got some knockers on you."

"I'm sorry I indirectly called you a whore. Where the hell is Fudge?"

Cho sighed, "Who cares he's a freak."

Hermione added, "And a dumbass, don't forget dumbass. Well he's getting fired anyway," she sighed, "Oh well."

They walked over to red-faced Ron and Harry. The boys smiled awkwardly.

Ron coughed, "Er, we're going to go beat some Bludgers."

Cho said excitedly, "You're going to play Quidditch!"

Harry said hurriedly, "Err, no."


End file.
